So yesterday I met my therapist former therapist S. Yes it was awkward af as it sounds. A lot happened in this session so I’ll probably have to break it up in 2 parts.
So I’ve been having a pretty shit time lately. The flashbacks and intrusive memories are in full force and so is my anxiety and depression which together = suicidal thoughts. Well B is going on vacation for 2 weeks and it couldn’t be at a worst time. Me and B have been meeting twice a week for about 2 months and the last week or so we probably talk once a day. So yes the thought of her not being available for 2 weeks is causing me to spiral quickly into madness! Which is totally ridiculous because I know she’ll be back and will still be available by phone, but the child part of me thinks she is abandoning me and never returning.
B had mentioned her vacation awhile back when I was in a much more stable place. She also mentioned having a backup therapist on call. Well I didn’t think anything of it then because I thought I could handle 2 weeks and I didnt want to appear uber pathetic. But the last week or so I have been seriously unstable and I think we both know it would be dangerous to leave me to my own devices for 2 weeks. So key in the backup therapist.
I was not thrilled of the idea of a backup therapist, I was actually repulsed. A therapist-client relationship is so unique and takes time to build and can’t just be quickly replicated by some backup person. And well I have MAJOR trust/attachment issues. Well B being B she knew that I would never contact this person if it was up to me. B called me late the night before our session and asked if I would come in earlier and we could meet this woman before our regular scheduled time. I agreed only because B sounded really confident that S was a great therapist and turns out was her former therapist!
Lets just say shutdown, emotionally screwed up, socially inept me showed up right on time. First awkward thing that happened was B drove us there. I assumed S worked in her building or in walking distance but no we drove about 5 minutes up the street in B’s car. Idk how many clients have ridden in their therapist car but I’m sure not many. (And B is a terrible driver btw lol). But she was totally lax about the whole thing and that made it less awkward.
Then we get there and S isnt there yet and so we have to wait, and yea I don’t do small talk even with B. Ok so no offense to B but S’s office was super dope. I mean I would definitely like to take a lot of naps there.
S, I assume is around the same age as B and just as quirky. Then things got real weird and UNCOMFORTABLE. I’m not a talker and even less so when it comes to my trauma or life history. I clam up and get easily triggered. I was so relieved when B asked if I wanted her to do most of the talking. Y’all it is not easy hearing someone else speak of you and your mental health to another person. I quickly started to get anxious and I was trying really to hold it together but S started to ask me questions and I lost it. She didn’t even ask anything difficult, I think it was the combination of having someone I don’t know hear so much about my fucked up life and that there were 2 therapist staring at me and I panicked. It was a lot for me. B immediately knew I was quietly losing my shit because my right leg gives me away. It bounces extremely hard when I get super anxious. So B had me find my safe space in my head which was embarrassing because I felt ridiculous for being so upset over nothing. S was friendly the entire time but I think I said a total of 10 words. It was pathetic. I’m still embarrassed about it.