Work, Work, Work

Work

I haven’t had a full-time job since I graduated from graduate school last December. I have some other sources of income so we’ve managed to live frugally for the last 7 months or so… but money is becoming tight and I don’t think I can put off working anymore. I thought with the time off my mental health would improve significantly and I would be in a better place to work full-time. However, I realize how naive I was. I don’t think my mental health has improved – well not as much as I would like. I do know that I have some better coping skills and awareness of how I’m feeling and I know when to reach out for help. But the thought of holding down a job and single parent literally makes me anxious. I’ve never had much motivation for working. I’ve changed “careers” 3xs and I’m only 25. At first I thought it was out of laziness that I hated working but through observation and therapy I’ve realized thats its not the actual work I dislike its the amount of social interaction that is required for most jobs. Its draining! I would feel so emtionally drained at the end of the day that I would cry when I thought about having to do it again the next day and the next. And yes I get that this sounds really priveleged and ridiculous but it is very real to me. My cptsd makes interacting socially extremely difficult. I hate small talk, I don’t like people in my space, I’m paranoid of others if they ask to much of my personal business, and I just perfer to be alone most of the time. So this makes working difficult to say the least.

I have 2 job opportunities on the horizon. One a teaching/tutor position and one as an academic counselor. Both are great jobs but I find myself calculating which one requires the least amount of social interaction. I know teaching will require a lot of prep and talking but thankfully its juniors and seniors in high school so no need for the fake prek teacher voice, plus the school hours and vacations are great. The counselor job is more of a long term job and is less demanding socially but has better benefits and long term outlook, but the hours are less convient and would definitely push my resources. So as of yet I am undecided and neither has formally offered the position.

B thanks its a good idea I work as it may take my mind off the trauma for periods of time, but she’s also concerned that if too overloaded my depression will worsen which I do agree with. I also want the benfits so I don’t have to pay B out of pocket anymore, and I also want to move soon. I currently stay with my mother, ugh.

So I will just have to suck it up and be a big girl and hopefully I can find balance and do enough self care to stay sane and be present for my daughter.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s