The rupture

Back maybe 4 weeks ago I basically fell apart. I was extremely depressed and the flashbacks and body memories had taken over. I wasn’t functioning. B was great about it she answered everyone of my phone calls, she was patient and caring and I couldn’t have asked for a better response. But in the back of my mind I knew I was demanding a lot from her and I hesitated to make those phone calls but I needed the help, so I made them.

I knew the Talk was coming. Boundaries, ugh. And like I predicted it came. She attempted to pose it as a support system question. “Could I identify other people in my support system who I could call when distressed? Uh, No! As much as I appreciate you calling me instead of using behaviors (burning, drinking, throwing up) I would like for you to to have other people you can rely on as well.” What the bloody fuck!!! Internally I think I started screaming. I was pissed and hurt. I knew I was demanding a lot from her over the last few days but I had never called her that much before so I believed once I stabilized things would go back to normal. I felt rejected, unwanted, needy, and annoying. All of those childhood feelings of being to much and a bother came back up and I shut down completely.

I stopped responding to her questions. I turned my whole body around in the chair away from her view. I felt horrible and I wanted to run out of the the room. B quickly realized she had messed up and immediately apologized and claimed that what she said came out wrong and by no means did she not want me to call if I needed to. But the damage had already been done. I left shut down and suicidal. I ignored her phone calls and I refused to reach out to her for help. Yes, I know it was a very childish response but I felt like a child again so it makes sense.

I finally called her back and she apologized again and hoped I had not lost faith in the relationship. I explained to her why I was so upset and eventually after a few more sessions we are back solid again. After this rupture she seems even more committed to me than before, Idk. I feel good knowing that B won’t intentionally leave me and that she is committed to me even with all my shenagiangs. And I couldn’t ask for a better therapist. She could have easily restricted my access to her and ignored my pain but she didn’t and I feel “secure”. Something I’ve never felt in my personal life or with my own mother. I guess this is growth.

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