I started this blog and I really wanted to commit to writing on a regular basis. However, as much as I enjoy writing it also makes my reality very real. The memories, feelings, and thoughts that I have are there in front of me in black and white. There’s no denying them. And that scares me so I tend to avoid it when I can. But I know this is part of my healing and recovery.
My therapist and I had a tiny bit of a rupture that curtailed a lot of the good feelings I was starting to have about recovery. We have sense moved past it. But I guess my sense of trust and safety in the relationship has changed. I had to process and grieve the fact that my therapist is human and she is not my mother. She cannot be there 24/7 as I would like even though she tries to give me as much time as she can. She has a family, 3 kids, 2 grandchildren, and a husband. She puts them first as she should. I have to accept her limitations and also learn how to self soothe when she’s unavailable. I think we are back in a good place maybe even stronger than before but I now know that this recovery thing is something that has to come from within, with help from my therapist.
(I will write about the rupture in another post)